That's why

These are my reasons

With tears in my eyes i made my way away from the campus.

My hands were clenched to fists and i stared straight forwards. I did not look back. 
It was only twelve a clock on this friday and i had two classes left but i could not take it anymore.

I was not strong enough to take it anymore. 
I was to weak, to weak to fight this tears.

From the left side of my chest radiated an indescribable pain trough my whole body.
I was just about to falling onto my knees, but i was not that far from the school grounds...Not that they was about to follow me, no they were in their classes too so how could they?
With my left hand i touched this spot of my head where someone in my last class hit me with the paperback-version of an encyclopedia. I had no clue who it was but that did not matter. Maybe it was an inadvertence...Maybe not. It did not matter.
The way they looked at me told me everything, nearly everything.
When i sat there alone during the lunch with everyone around me chatting and laughing...It was hard.
I could have turned away from all of them but i did not.
I thought that i have had friends, i thought that i would have belonged to them but i did not. 
Wednesday was that day when i realized that i was nothing to them.

I meant nothing to them. Of course one or two tried to tell me that i was wrong thinking so but they lied. 
I knew that deep in my heart and it did not matter that they thought i was mad right now.

I had to leave. It was the only chance i had.
But it hurt. It hurt so much in my heart that it nearly killed me.
That it was about to let me break into thousand pieces. 
They knew that i would leave them. Nearly all of them knew that i would not be there after the holidays. 
That i would never come back, that i would never talk with them anymore, that i would ignore them when we met in the city like the ignored me when i was with them...But that did not matter to them. 
In some ways that was quiet okay, i guess, because if they would be sad about it or something like that, my decision would have been wrong, wouldn't it?

But it hurt. I had to wipe my tears away which had found their ways down my cheeks and onto the ground. 
I cried, because i lived in a dream-world for so long. In a dream-world that had fallen apart years ago.
My heart, my soul, my mind, everything that had craved for their acceptance, their smiles, their smalltalks... 
I was fallen apart to and i had to stop it. There was no other way.
When i would go on living like this i am sure i would die during the next year.
Some of them said my decision was about making me feeling worse than now but it could not be true...They also said that this problems was about myself and it would never be better on this other school...
That statement truly broke my heart. Did they hate me?
I don't know...I really don't know. 
I was bullied. I realized it through the last year. 
And now, now i was running away. This was the only true thing they told me.
I was running away from my crashed soul.
I was running away to start a new life, a life without them, without their mockery, their backbiting...
I was running away to be a better human.