I want to be a golden star

New ways

She leaned her head against the cold window glass and stared out into the darkness.

The sky was full of clouds but they seemed to be nothing in contrast to the clouds around her heart.

She was sedated in some ways. She was hopeless. She was nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. This word echoed in her head, again and again.

She wanted to scream and she wanted to cry but...she could not...

The girl banged her right fist at the glass, but she was not able to break it and she could not feel the pain.

There was no pain anymore.

She was numb. So numb...

She was not angry with herself. She had no emotions left. She had nothing.

She was nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It could not go on like this. It would tear her heart apart. It did it right now. 

Her family. Her kingdom. Her faith. Her destiny. 

This night. This clouds...

Her knees got weak and she fell on the hard ground, her fists beat the tiles.
Again and again.

No pain. No ache.
Just grief.
There were no tears left. They had fallen a long time ago. 

No tears. No screams.
Just scars.

Scars on her body, scars on her heart and wounds that did not want to heal.

Slowly she lifted herself up, with her hands against the wall. Slowly she opened the window.

Breathed in the frigid night air.

She searched for a new hope on the sky. She searched for stars but there was not one left.

She just saw gray clouds. Not even the moon shone.
Nothing. 

No. No she was not allowed to think like this. 

She had to looked forward.

But how? It is hopeless.

She swallowed the coming tears for the first moments but then a little smile appeared on her face.

Now that she could not even see a light, a spark of hope, she could feel all the grief hurting her.

But this pain gave her a new intention.

Because when there was no hope left, no light, no moon, not even a star, than there was only one way to go.

She had to become a star.

A light. A spark of hope.

There was no question how she could turn into such a pretty, shining light.

Because there was no answer.

It was just this notion that meant everything.

The clouds around her heart thinned. It was a sluggish process but she smiled.

Smiled while she ran into her room, took care that no one would recognize what she planned.

Yes, this house was hopeless.

And yeah, her family was cruel in some ways

And oh, her 'friends' were awful and her schoolmates - she did not want to thing about them.

And yes, this country was cursed, but it was her home and she truly wanted to safe it.

Although she had to safe herself first.

And the only way to do this, now that she could clearly feel all the hurting burden on her heart, all this old scars that were bleeding wounds in her mind, was the way out of this country.

She did not know where to go when she packed her things, a little bag with all of things she could need. 

With a sigh she looked at her bracelet.
She knew that she would never be free when she wore it but...When she would take it off now everybody would realize that she wanted to run away.

But would they care?
Oh yes. They would. She was their little puppet.
Something to play with. Something to have fun with. They needed her.

She shook her head.

No more depressive thoughts now, she told herself.
You want to be a golden star, this thought went trough her head.

"I want to be hope.", she whispered when she pushed her room window open and climbed on the windowsill. Her right hand touched the necklace she wore all the time for a short moment.

The crystal was still there. She could not leave it here. She needed its power.

Then she took a deep breath and looked on the gray night sky while she jumped.

Before she could hit the ground - her room was on the second floor - a golden light surrounded her and let her down gently. She smiled slightly before she looked around her once again. 

There were no guards in the garden.

There was no one here except her. 

She would leave this place. 

This decision freed her heart, her head, her soul.

This would be a new beginning.
This would be a change for her. 

This would be the beginning of a new era.

She was sure.