I want to be a golden star

New ways

She leaned her head against the cold window glass and stared out into the darkness.

The sky was full of clouds but they seemed to be nothing in contrast to the clouds around her heart.

She was sedated in some ways. She was hopeless. She was nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. This word echoed in her head, again and again.

She wanted to scream and she wanted to cry but...she could not...

The girl banged her right fist at the glass, but she was not able to break it and she could not feel the pain.

There was no pain anymore.

She was numb. So numb...

She was not angry with herself. She had no emotions left. She had nothing.

She was nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It could not go on like this. It would tear her heart apart. It did it right now. 

Her family. Her kingdom. Her faith. Her destiny. 

This night. This clouds...

Her knees got weak and she fell on the hard ground, her fists beat the tiles.
Again and again.

No pain. No ache.
Just grief.
There were no tears left. They had fallen a long time ago. 

No tears. No screams.
Just scars.

Scars on her body, scars on her heart and wounds that did not want to heal.

Slowly she lifted herself up, with her hands against the wall. Slowly she opened the window.

Breathed in the frigid night air.

She searched for a new hope on the sky. She searched for stars but there was not one left.

She just saw gray clouds. Not even the moon shone.
Nothing. 

No. No she was not allowed to think like this. 

She had to looked forward.

But how? It is hopeless.

She swallowed the coming tears for the first moments but then a little smile appeared on her face.

Now that she could not even see a light, a spark of hope, she could feel all the grief hurting her.

But this pain gave her a new intention.

Because when there was no hope left, no light, no moon, not even a star, than there was only one way to go.

She had to become a star.

A light. A spark of hope.

There was no question how she could turn into such a pretty, shining light.

Because there was no answer.

It was just this notion that meant everything.

The clouds around her heart thinned. It was a sluggish process but she smiled.

Smiled while she ran into her room, took care that no one would recognize what she planned.

Yes, this house was hopeless.

And yeah, her family was cruel in some ways

And oh, her 'friends' were awful and her schoolmates - she did not want to thing about them.

And yes, this country was cursed, but it was her home and she truly wanted to safe it.

Although she had to safe herself first.

And the only way to do this, now that she could clearly feel all the hurting burden on her heart, all this old scars that were bleeding wounds in her mind, was the way out of this country.

She did not know where to go when she packed her things, a little bag with all of things she could need. 

With a sigh she looked at her bracelet.
She knew that she would never be free when she wore it but...When she would take it off now everybody would realize that she wanted to run away.

But would they care?
Oh yes. They would. She was their little puppet.
Something to play with. Something to have fun with. They needed her.

She shook her head.

No more depressive thoughts now, she told herself.
You want to be a golden star, this thought went trough her head.

"I want to be hope.", she whispered when she pushed her room window open and climbed on the windowsill. Her right hand touched the necklace she wore all the time for a short moment.

The crystal was still there. She could not leave it here. She needed its power.

Then she took a deep breath and looked on the gray night sky while she jumped.

Before she could hit the ground - her room was on the second floor - a golden light surrounded her and let her down gently. She smiled slightly before she looked around her once again. 

There were no guards in the garden.

There was no one here except her. 

She would leave this place. 

This decision freed her heart, her head, her soul.

This would be a new beginning.
This would be a change for her. 

This would be the beginning of a new era.

She was sure.

Reburn

The star rises

Todays dinner was Bouillabaisse, but she did not eat anything. 

She was just sitting there on that chair around that table and stared at the soup on her plate, the spoon tightly clutched in her right fist, staying silent.
Nobody really tried to talk to her because no one was interested in her now.
The story of the day was over for them and she and her bristling glance symbolized them that she had enough for today.
Outside the night has taken over and just in that moment, when the Mille-feuille came, she stood up, turned away and stepped out of the room.
She could not stay there now, in this large salon with that inflated chandelier and the hard expressions on the faces of her relatives.
She could not bear these shadows around them anymore because she was not that dark.
She was not that merciless, not that cruel, not that harsh and also not that strong.
She was more empathic, more kindly, more frank.
Most of citizen, that have had the luck to met her once said that she was just delightful, more than everybody else. That she was unique. That she was just like a spark of hope in the darkness.
But to be like that was pretty dangerous that time in her country.
Being so soft could be very hard, especially when you did not want to change.
She did not want to be like them but she did not think that she was very special because of that.
They tried to change her.
Tried it so many times on so many ways but failed.
Her body was already signed by those scars, it seemed broken sometimes and her soul was also hurt but she was comforted when she walked outside like she did it now.

The night above her head was starry so that she could not count the lights on the sky and the air around her was cold and she shivered because the short, golden dress that she wore did not really keep her warm. Although she knew that she would get a cold it was the only way to avoid those thoughts she got after days like this. It was the only way to calm her down. The only way to keep her safe.
First she just walked down from the stairs of the patio to see their garden.
The roses bloomed that day in their full beauty, colorful, fragile, in pink, red and white.
But these plants wasn't the only once in this wide area.
Her favorite flower, that was blooming now even in this night, was the white Lilium.
She putted on in her hand in a single moment while she was standing there, in front of the flowerbeds and looked at it carefully. She never plucked one of those flowers, because she did not want to destroy this wonderful, fleeting fineness.
She did not stay in the garden for long, because she felt like someone, anyone would call her.
And she followed those whispers.
She trusted them because they tried to help her many times.
Around the property were vast meadows that leaded to a wide, deep blue sea.
This water seemed to be full of her memories when she ran to it and looked at her reflection.
It was full of good memories, and this once was rare.
The most of her memories were painful. The most of them were sad and heartless. The most of them hurt her. The most of them were able to tear her heart apart.
Her hands stroke the tips of the lavender.
Her gait looked prancing and her glance was up to the stars and to the full moon.
For other one she would maybe seemed like an angel or something like that. In this moment she was not human. Not complete. But she would never believed this.
For herself she was a failed person, weak, anxious, uneasy.
A failed person that ran away from everything, even from a simple dinner with her family.
Oh her family...She did not want to say anything against them but...
Now it was like a kind of panic raised in her heart and she begun to run, run fast.

She almost collapsed when she reached the shore of the lake, her fists punched the moist soil under her, the mud tainted the pure gold of her dress but she did not care.
She was just kneeling there, her golden hair hung like a curtain in her face and she stroke it back to look in the water. Her reflection cried and in that moment she realized that she did it also.
She cried not because of the fresh wound on her back, not because no one really understood.
The tears flowed because of this feeling, that broke her fragile heart that seemed to have been made of glass in such moments, when she looked at her cracked self.
She was alone. She was that kind of alone no one could retrace.
It was not a feeling of loneliness, she was used to be left on her own. She was used to be ignored, to be punished, to become hurt, to feel bad.
No. She could not describe it. Her live was a puzzle, she was a puzzle that had lost a part.
And she could not find it. She searched for it all day and all night.
But it was hopeless.
It was so hopeless...She hit the surface of the water and her reflection fade away.
Now she was only able to see the reflection of the moon in the water and she laid her head back to look directly into the dark sky above her.
A little, sad smile appeared on her lips and she let herself fall on the grassy ground, her arms stretched to the sites. They would not search for her. Maybe tomorrow but not now.
She closed her eyes when the fatigue overcame her and a warm feeling caught her heart when the nightlights shone on her milky skin, let her shimmer in the dark.
One day, she was sure about it, she would leave this world to become one of those lights.
One day, when she was stronger, when she was better.
One day, yes...This thought in her head and heart she fell into her dream world.

False Friends

An unforgivable betrayal

On that day, when she turned sixteen, she had invited her closest friends to a little party.

Traditionally she would have had to celebrate with her family, but she was able to avoid this.

It would have been just one of those boring festivals with her parents, her uncles and aunts, her grandparents and all of them. And there would have been just one thing to discuss for them. Her upcoming marriage.

No she did not know her future husband but she knew that they would force her to marry someone in the near future.
So, because she did not wanted to hear those plans, she pulled herself back to her rooms and wrote the invitation carts:

There would only be four girls with her, three of her friends and her elder cousin, Nomen.

Her father had only allowed her to make this party when Nomen was with them.

Not that she did not like Nomen, but it was not a good feeling to have her in her rooms.
Maybe she was a little afraid of her.

But all those worries, all those fears drifted away when she came to the salon.
Leyla, her closest friend, they had met over ten years ago, hugged her with a happy smile on her lips.

"Super-Sweet Sixteen!", she shirked and pressed her tightly to herself. "Thanks, Leyla!", she laughed softly and freed herself from the embrace just to step in the next one.

Elise was a little older and bigger than the others but her embrace was not that tightly, it was more careful, like her whole personality. "Starlight! Best luck to you!", she smiled at her and grabbed her hand.

"Yeah, happy birthday!", Animas smile was little ironical, but Starlight knew that smile already and it was something that she really loved on her friend.

"Thanks.", she begun to laugh but could also feel tears in her bright, purple eyes.
"You're the bests.", she said with a warm voice. "But talk is cheap.", she hugged each of them and smiled her brightest smile on them while she stroke her golden hair out of her face.

"Where's the music?", Leyla asked, dancing through the big hall. "I thought this would be a party, Star?"

"Yeah, thats right!", Anima smirked. Elise nodded.

"You search for this one?", a new voice said out of the shadows.

Star turned around but she was not the only one to froze when the tall girl stepped out of the darkness.
"You would not started this party without me, dear cousin?", her smile seemed false.

Anima was the only one to keep her smile the whole time.

"No, of course not, Nomen.", Star tried to make up her fine smile again, but failed.

"Oh, that's a good decision.", Nomen laughed - a cold sound - and looked at each of them.

"We have cake here too.", she explained like the girls were six and not sixteen.
Leyla seemed a little annoyed. "Can you please lend us the remotes?", she asked with a sharp tone.

"There you have!", she thrown it towards the blond girl and Leyla caught it.

In Stars eyes laid a golden shadow of fear while she felt how the air surrounding her got thick.

Music filled the room while she had been able to forget her fear.
She forgot that they did not catch her today.
That she was not finished yet.
That this was just a show.
A show to avoid the pain.
The pain she was so afraid of.

She did not know if her friends realized it. 

She did not know if her friends realized her false smile while she was dancing with them.
While she was trying to have fun and succeeded with it.

She was so thankful for each of them being here with her.

Leyla for her being such a loud, direct, friendly, lovable person that ever got what she wanted.
Elise, because she was the honest of them all. She never lied. She took her like she was.

Anima, that was maybe the falsest but also the coolest of her friends. But she was funny in some ways.

She felt like the three of them would protect her from any pain.

But she felt not guilty for being that kinda weak in their present. 

As long as she was with them, as long as she could laugh with them, party with them, talk with them,
hug them, simply love them like they were her sisters, as long as that was her true live, she would be happy.

Lucky.

Sound.

Brave.
Safe.

Suddenly, the music broke.
The atmosphere turned black.

Black, so black that she was not able to see until she realized that they had forced her to close her eyes.

"Leyla? Anima? Elise?", she asked quietly but she did not get any answers.

Panic grew in her heart while she tried to open her eyes but they had put a blindfold over her eyes.

She felt the touch of familiar hands, that pulled her forwards, pressed her on one of the chairs.

"Is this a game? It's not funny, girls!", she tried a little laugh but failed because of the fear inside her voice.
There was still just silence around her.
She struggled but her hands were bound.

What was happened? What has gone wrong? Was it her fault?
"You can stop now.", she begged and the fear lamed her body.

In some ways she knew what would come, but, but, that could not be true!
No!
These girls were her friends.

Her friends, not her family.

Family. Nomen. No. No...

"Please.", she felt the tears in her eyes.

"Oh - are you afraid, Star?", she heard Animas voice breaking the stillness.

"Anima. Please, stop this.", she turned her head blindly into the direction of the voice.

"Hush hush, little girl.", Nomens voice was cold but she was more afraid of the sound she heard behind her. The chimney. The sound of metal. The cautery.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

She wanted to run away but a little hand pushed her back - Elise...

"Please. Don't.", she nearly cried. "Elise, Anima, Leyla, please..."

The ripping sound of her broken dress. The night air that flowed through the window and stroke her back.

No. These was her friends.

Her friends. Her sisters.

The pain was terrible. 

It was like her back would be teared apart, when they burned the flower into her skin.

But this was just the physically pain.

That wound weakened her for this moment, distorted her skin with a scar that would stay forever.

It would stay forever, under the scars that presenting her name to the world.

But she had not screamed because of this pain. She was used to this, finally.
Yes, she was afraid. And she hoped it would never happen ever again although she knew it will.

No, she screamed for another reason, for more than her torment.

For this was the worse anguish she had ever feel in her whole young live.

She screamed because of her broken heart.
They wounded her deeper than she ever expected it.
They betrayed her in the most unforgivable way but she did not want to believe this.
She just wanted them to be her friends. She thought that they would be.

She believed in them. She simply loved them.

But it was all vanity.
Maybe she was not lovable. 

No. This could not be true. It was Nomens fault. It was her fault. Certainly.

Or maybe not..? She could not forget this pain.

And she cried when they left her,

left her alone with her broken body, her broken heart, her broken light,

left her in the darkness surrounding her.

And this darkness...It was the only thing that comforted her.

Safe & Sound

We'll chase them away

This night was a starry one and over the cold lights of the skyscrapers laid the gentle shimmer of the moonlight. Thousands of stars sparkled on the dark sky, thousands of little lights shone but non of them was able to overcome the city-lights. 

She was different, standing there on the balcony in her long, white dress.

She was brighter than them.

She was stronger than them.

It was cold outside and so he could see his own breath as he stepped out of the door too.

He knew why she was awake at this time although he could not see her face.
She had a lot of bad dreams when she slept alone in her room.
A lot of nightmares, that flashed and crashed in her sleep and forced her to wake up.
She did not really know why she had those dreams but she was sure that they will kill her someday.
And the meaning of this visions were unclear too.
She was worried about the future, yes, that was something he knew.
And something he could understand.
For a moment he just stood there with his gaze up to her.
The stars above their heads glowed but compared with her, they were just sparks and she was the flame.
He was dazzled by this light, like he was it all the time when he was with her.
But it wasn't a bad feeling.
Because of her, he had learned to see with his heart too.
Not an easy exercise for a mistrustful person like him. He had every reason for being so.
But she would never betray him. When he knew one thing for sure, than it was her loyalty.
She had left everything behind for him.
She had given away everything. Her family. Her kingdom.
She had become a traitor in their eyes but had done the most important thing.
She was herself now. There was no mask anymore. She was finally herself.
He was proud of her. He was thankful in every way.
But in some case he was also afraid.
Most of the time he thought that she was too good for him. Too pure.
Although he knew that she was not that innocent, she could never be cruel. Never.
Not like her family. There was no way to be like that for her.
By now, she realized his present, but still stares up to the night sky.
He followed her glance to that very light over their heads. It was so cold.
Even he winched by the sight of it and he knew death already.
There was death everywhere around him. And she was the life.
She was the light and no one could ever resist her, no one could stop loving her.
He could least. For her was everything he needed in his life.
Because the entire darkness around him wasn't worth living without her light.
He knew that she needed him like he needed her and so he could not endure her standing there alone in the cold.

With a few steps he was behind her and caught her into a gingerly embrace.
She took his hands without saying a word and he felt the warmth of her touch.
"Nightmares again?", he asked softly and she nodded weakly.
"The same like always.", she answered him without turning her gaze away from the sky.
He knew what she was talking about. What she was dreaming about.
"Don't worry about it.", he tried to comfort her while he leaned his head against her shoulder.
He crossed his right hand with hers. "Everything will be alright. I am sure about it."
She finally looked at him with her sparkling, golden eyes.
"But i am afraid.", she said sadly. "I am not strong enough.", she bowed her head.
"You don't have to be the strongest. You are not alone anymore."
He gently lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. "I am with you."
There was a little smile on her lips. The sparks in her eyes were bright. She seemed thankful.
But before she could thank him for something which was so natural for him, he leaned towards her.
He closed his eyes while he pressed his lips against hers.
When he separated from her a moment later, he leaned his forehead against hers.
"I promise.", he stroked her hair behind her ears again. "I promise to stay with you."
She smiled brightly, held their crossed hands up so they were in front of her chest.
"Forever?", it was more a statement than a question.
"Until the worlds end and longer than that.", he smiled too, a slightly but warm smile.
He pulled her closer to him, his blue eyes had turned red.
"You don't have to be afraid too.", she said with her melodic voice.
In his eyes laid a hint of surprise, that fated away quickly. Of course she knew.
Than his smile turned a bit worried and sad.
"I know you are afraid of losing me.", she went on. "That you could fail by protecting me."
His gaze was lost in her golden eyes.
"Yes.", he said so quietly that only she could understand his words. "That would be the biggest loss."
By the thought of losing her he flinched.
"You will never lose me.", she said. "Never."
In Unbelief he looked at her.
"You said this, you remember? That they can never separate us. That we will be together."
"That's right.", his words came slowly.
"I believe in this. I believe in that tale. I believe in you.", she put her hands behind his neck and pulled him towards her.
"I will keep this promise.", she whispered and kissed him.
"And i will keep you safe.", he said when she laid her head against his shoulder, closed her eyes.
"I will chase all your fears away. We will be safe. Safe and sound."

Thunderstorm of nightmares

The troubles within their destiny

Lightnings flashed trough the dusty air, close followed by thunders that nearly crashed the windows.

There was no rain pouring from the cloudy sky, there was a strange, yellow and grey light everywhere, that was interrupted by the blue lightnings.

She has been always afraid of what came next to the lightning, these shattering sounds,
When she was a little girl, she always hid herself in the corner of her room with her blanket around her.

She had cried quietly and pressed her little hands over her face and flinched whenever a thunder crashed.

There was no on to protect her from her fears. There was only the darkness around her.

And so, whenever a thunderstorm came to her hometown, she sobbed herself to sleep.

She did not even had a teddy bear or another stuffed animal to pressed against herself.
So she found her only hold in the blankets and pillows wrapped around her.

After the terrible fear had been displaced out of her thoughts, she fell into a world of dark dreams.

This dreams were just as terrified like the thunders, they were full of death.

She felt alone and hopeless in her world of dreams, she felt like everyone she loved was gone, she felt like she was close to her own death. An atrocious end full of tragedy.

She felt a heavy burden on her small body but an even heavier burden on her fragile soul.

It was the feeling of guilt, it was the feeling of loss.
So she cried even more when those dreams came over her little heart.

By then one of her cousins had used to place her in her bed, but they never stayed with her.

There was no one to hold her, no one to comfort her, no one to stroke her hair lighty, no one, no one.

They did not care that she was afraid. They did not care when she was suffering.

She was their doll, their puppet.

A tool.

Every time when she woke up after such a night, with the light of a rising sun, she felt sedated, like the shock would never leave her children mind, like she would suffer because of her dreams forever.
When she turned fifteen, she finally managed to cry when they came.
She was afraid of thunders at all, but because she knew that no one would ever come and soothe her, she managed to build a wall around her soul.
She begun to wonder what the dreams want to tell her.
She begun to wonder if that was her fate.
She reminded what happen in her dreams and then the tears started finally to run down her cheeks.
This war.
War.
Hate.
Death. 
Her wispy heart was shattered again.
There were to much troubles in her destiny, there was too much...too much for her to keep her real smile.
Her cold-hearted family did not make anything better.
Now that she was grown up to a beautiful, young woman, she was more the doll than the tool.
They showed her around like she was a decoration or a pretty cup they won in one of the wars which were already over. 
They has stopped to take her to the temple against her own will.
But she still beard the burden of her family's crystal.
She still was the heir.
And she still heard the whispers.

Now she is finally a traitor for her family.
She separated from them not long ago. She did not want to remember how this ended.
She did not want to think of what will happen now, when they are so angry with her.
But she could not stay with them anymore.
The feeling of incompleteness, that one thing she could never explained to herself, had turned to strong.
It had cut her heart out of her body, it had started to kill her.
It had weakened her light.
There is a thunderstorm over this city.
It is not her hometown. She left her country.
Sometimes she feels sorry because of her people.
They counted on her and she disappointed them like always.
But it would have killed her to stay with her family. She had to run away to save her life.
And she will never come back.
Because now they are furious with her. She knew it because of the scars on her milky skin.
The letters, scratched in her flesh to stay there forever, remind her again and again.
He was shocked when he first saw all the signs of theri anger and frustration, of hatred and forced on her.
He just did not believe how they could had done this to her and she did not try to explain.
There was nothing to explain. It was like that. So simple.

The sound of thunder let her flinch again.
The sky outside was full of clouds, gray light shine through them into the room.
The lightning flashes in a blue light. All of these things scares her.
But now she is not alone.
He is by her side, holding her close so she can forget the fears she has.
She knows that he will hold her until the storm outside is over.
She can count on him and she could not count on anyone like on him.
The wall has fallen for him, but she is certain that he will never hurt her in any ways.
She trusts him with her life like he does.
And now she can sleep without having these nightmares.
Most of them are gone when he is with her.
Most of them are forgotten when he comforts her.
Most of them.
But there is one nightmare left.
One vision. And she is sure that the goddess gave her this vision to threat her.
It symbolizes her greatest fear.
The fear of losing him.